Lessons I've now learned as a father of cats

Cats.

Some people love them, others despise them like they're spawns of hell.

Personally, I’m the former. So, when it came to getting a snug little house with my partner, we both agreed it’d be best improved by filling it with lots of tiny cats. Kind of like a miniature personal zoo, just if you’re more interested in being the janitor struggling their way across the back of the enclosures, trying not to trip up on the turds.

Being a double-cat investor, it has now come upon me to share my wisdom with the world at large on some of the day-to-day struggles and challenges that double-cat investment can bring, so you too can be adequately prepared for your own potential pet parenthood in the future...

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They’re really cute, but also super spiky

Cat owners love showing everyone how cute their cat is. They also like to wear their cat-inflicted scratches like a badge of honour. I too have many scars, but my cats are also super cute:

You can often hear people say, “cats are just as loving as dogs - they just show it differently!”, which, in all honesty, is completely true. What they do omit to mention, however, is the secret footnote attached for *99% chance of random attacks included.

Case in point, Sweet Baby Pumpkin.

Pumpkin is a gorgeous, silky soft boy who loves to flop on his back and have his belly rubbed like a cuddly tiger. However, he has a dark secret inside of him; a supervillain persona:

The Angry Crow.

The Crow cares not for love and affection, all he knows is pounce, bite and attack at all costs. If The Crow is spotted at large, all efforts must be undertaken to distract and contain him, or else you’ll need a new pair of socks for Christmas.

Which brings me neatly into my next point…

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Everything is a toy, until everything is a toy

One thing that used to really irk me was how much excessive packaging you can often get with the smallest of item orders. I’m talking about those 3m sq cardboard tombs for something as insignificant as a single packet of batteries. Now, as a Cat Father, it’s the more boxes the better.

Need a castle? Cardboard is your friend. I cannot explain the hours of entertainment my two have had - and still get - out of the simplest of Blue Peter construction projects… No catch included?

I wish.

In Cat World, if one bit of cardboard is a toy, all cardboard becomes a toy. Boxes are fun? Let’s push the one marked as ‘fragile’ off the table until it makes little crunch noises on the floor. My partner can especially vouch for the feeling of despair you can get when you realise That Expensive Thing You’ve Just Bought is now the toy of the week. Cue The Angry Crow.

Solutions can range anywhere between frantic waving, shouting unrecognised names and praying to obscure Gods you’ve invented just for this occasion.

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Getting up early and your hands dirty

If you’re not an early-rising morning person - like me - prepare to begrudgingly become one. Cats have somehow developed a finely tuned internal alert system for when they have to be fed and it’s always running fast. Now, multiply that by two and you start to have a problem.

The first issue is what I’ve come to know internally as the 'Domino’s Effect'.

One cat, awoken by its hunger alarm inappropriately early will start to meow, demanding immediate nourishment. The second cat, not awoken by its own alarm (but now aware of the first making noises), will immediately join in. This sudden, accidental collaboration between the cats instantly confirms that what they believe is breakfast time is breakfast time and you’re in fact the one getting reality wrong. This can lead to yowling choirs at 5:30 am, complete with an energetic display of gymnastics across the bed, walls, floor and ceiling.

Secondly, we come to the litter tray. Being still young, these bears certainly do not sh*t in the woods - rather, in a small tray in the corner of the dining room. I say 'in', but accuracy has never seemingly been their biggest concern. My best description of these occasional incidents would be, A* for effort, D- for final result.

The reason behind this, as with most things in life, is that the tray itself acts more as a general guideline, rather than a limitation in which the cat has to sit. Post-sitting activities, such as the deposit’s ceremonial burying, can become a slightly different story.

Tofu, for example, is very vigilant in his duties and takes kicking the litter so seriously that he’s been known to push half the tray’s contents into a different timezone. Pumpkin, on the other hand, takes delicate perching as an art form, often managing to achieve both being inside the tray at the same time as making a mess outside of it. Like I said, A* for effort, D- for final result.

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There's no love lost

Despite all of their faults - from alien chittering, extremely unpredictable tendencies to sometimes offensive smell creation - they will always make the effort worthwhile.

Cats, despite their infamous temperaments, are incredibly loving critters and do make it very well known with their long-suffering owners. Between head bumps, loud purrs and obsessive licking to the side of your nose, you'll always feel appreciated for the hard work you put in.

In the end, the most important lesson I've learned from my new life of Feline Fatherdom is a strange sense of patience. No matter how demanding or stressful times can be, it's these moments of love that remind you why you're doing whatever the hell it is you decided to do. You idiot fool.

They bring a focus to your day like no other, and they're also particularly efficient at ruining a Christmas tree. They're truly the gift that keeps on giving.